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A Bushel, A Peck, A Kisser You'd Like To Deck!

Dear Dating Doctor:

Okay, I admit it. I have been out of the dating scene for awhile. But have men forgotten how to kiss while I was gone? My last three dates have all culminated in a good night kiss but each time I nearly got ill. What gives?

- Pucker Me This

Dear Pucker Me This

My heart (lip?) goes out to you. Here you are, all charged up and dating again, only to have your fires extinguished at the hands of several kissing (in)aficionados.

Depending on the number of dating partners a man has had, and his opportunities to experience physical intimacy, he may simply be out of practice, naive, inexperienced or lacking skills when it comes to kissing. Does this mean that he will always be a lousy kisser? No. He might need more practice or to be steered in the right direction.

You also have to examine whether his technique is flawed or his heart just isn't in it. Over time, men tend to lose interest in kissing as many would rather move quickly on to the "main event." In either case, I have categorized poor oral technicians to help you avoid them when at all possible.

  • Niagara Falls: A sloppy kisser who produces enough liquid for a regatta. Towel anyone?

  • The Undertaker: They exhibit a total lack of emotion, feel and make no effort to kiss back.

  • The Raw Oyster: They are cold and clammy to the touch and often have a runny nose.

  • The Octopus: Once you begin kissing, you'd swear that they have grown eight arms because their hands are all over your body (for some, this is a positive!).

  • The Brillo Pad: They haven't bumped elbows with shaving cream or a razor for days.

  • CPR: A person who exhales like a blowfish upon coming in contact with your lips.

  • The Pile Driver: Their tongue behaves like a drill bit on an oil rig in the Texas desert.

  • Cottonmouth Joe: Kissing them is like looking for water in Death Valley --none to be found.

  • Rawhide: They attempt to "Brand" you and leave their mark somewhere on your body.

  • Uh, Uh, Uh: They kiss you, but not quite, almost, but not quite. A little of this can be arousing, but when prolonged can become quite annoying. Heck, why do they need you?

  • Connect the Dots: They rapidly and sporadically kiss your entire facial area.

  • The Hoover: They kiss with the suction power of an upright vacuum cleaner.

  • The Deer in the Headlights: As you are passionately engaged in a pucker, you sneak a peak only to find them staring right back at you!

If I missed one that you have experienced, let me know. If you have dated all of the above, consider a vow of chastity.

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