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More Kissers Who Couldn't Cut It!

Dear Dating Doctor:

Previously you ran an article on the types of bad kissers that you had chronicled over the years. I found it to be quite humorous and realized that I had dated nearly every type of horrible kisser that you categorized. I must be a magnet for people who can't pucker as here are several other types of bad kissers that I have encountered.

- A sucker for a bad pucker

  • Mr. Ed (a.k.a. Jaws): From the moment you begin kissing, they never close their mouth. Infact, they keep it opened to the extent of their flexibility the entire time you're engaged.You haven't seen this many teeth and gums since the last Osmond family special.

  • The Roto Rooter: Their tongue ventures so far down your throat that it actually begins tochoke you.

  • The Rooster: They begin to kiss you, then suddenly pull way . . .lean forward, then draw back!

  • The Swordfish: They operate their tongue much like a swordfish uses it's snout, in a blunt andviolent manner.

  • The Grouper: As they kiss you, their lips (which could require their own zip code) completelyengulf yours.

  • The Deep Sea Diver: They rarely come up for air.

  • The Lizard: Their tongue darts in and out of your mouth like a reptile probing for its nextvictim.

  • Frozen in Time: They never change the position, posture or angle of their head. It is as ifthey have mastered kissing cryogenics.

  • The Squid: They seem to excrete an awful flavor. All you can think of is how to slip them abreath mint.

  • The Wrecking Ball: They kiss like a battering ram. Whoa, look out, here they come again!

  • Nick-o-Teen: Kissing them is like licking the contents of a dirty ash tray. When you're done,you feel like taking a shower.

  • The Dental Hygienist: They use their tongue in an annoying effort to brush your teeth for you.

  • The Sloth: They kiss incredibly slowly and never modify their pace. You're so bored that youbegin to prepare the next day's to do list in your mind.

  • The Road Runner: Beep, beep. They seem to be in a hurry to get somewhere else or on to the"main event."

  • Rigormortis: Their tongue never relaxes, always remaining stiff as a board.

  • Casper: They kiss so softly that you can't tell whether or not it actually happened. Thisrequires you to have a good imagination.

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This article is copyright © 1998 David D. Coleman ("The Dating Doctor")
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